I struggle with this. I struggle with saying it outloud. As, once I say it outloud - I can't take it back. It's out there.
I'm not sure where it comes from. The doubt. The anxiety. The curiosity.
I doubt myself. My abilities. My place in life. I don't know which way to go. What to think. How to speak.
Even this doesn't make sense, as I am still guarded.
I don't know how to take the guard down; how to feel safe. How to pretend all is normal; that I don't have these thoughts...
Is this a post-transplant thing? Life has changed so much. It keeps changing so much. I feel like I'm slipping - unable to keep up.
Do I want to keep up? How do I learn to keep up? So many adjustments. Unable to care - or care too much?
Is it me? Have I changed? So many questions. Not sure who to talk to, so instead I write.
Not sure how I stumbled upon your blog but did probably a year ago...and most mornings I check in. You're "story" is inspirational to say the least...and your funny,lighthearted and uplifting blog entries are a joy to read. So sorry that you are feeling the way you are...had to read your post a couple times to try and understand...and perhaps I still don't :) but thought I'd comment nonetheless. You have been through more than most in your journey...amidst that and shortly after your surgery you were on radio shows, tv spots,.....speaking in front of many crowds...and spreading your word of hope to everyone about organ donation and CF etc, running marathons etc :). I'm sure post transplant surgery has hurdles to get through, and with ALL of this...perhaps, you just needed a break...to be selfishly worried or anxious about it all...about post surgery and perhaps a rejection scare...and maybe you for this short period couldn't find any more humor in it all??? and that's ok and quite normal I think. I have every hope that you're health will remain just fine...and you will stay the hero you are. Feeling a little anxious is natural and ok.....just don't let anxiety and fear take over....talk yourself through this dark period....and bring yourself back up. Fill your days and thoughts with all of your loved ones....four legged ones too. Enjoy your starbucks (Christmas blend is out!!!) and all of your favorite things :) .....Don't waste another day...in a dark spot ........I know you will feel better soon.....look forward to your blogs. Take care
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