I struggle with this. I struggle with saying it outloud. As, once I say it outloud - I can't take it back. It's out there.
I'm not sure where it comes from. The doubt. The anxiety. The curiosity.
I doubt myself. My abilities. My place in life. I don't know which way to go. What to think. How to speak.
Even this doesn't make sense, as I am still guarded.
I don't know how to take the guard down; how to feel safe. How to pretend all is normal; that I don't have these thoughts...
Is this a post-transplant thing? Life has changed so much. It keeps changing so much. I feel like I'm slipping - unable to keep up.
Do I want to keep up? How do I learn to keep up? So many adjustments. Unable to care - or care too much?
Is it me? Have I changed? So many questions. Not sure who to talk to, so instead I write.