Sunday, 19 January 2014

Sweet Lazy Sunday

This weekend was full of sleeping, resting, tv, food (soft food) and attempting to drink coffee, but settling for almost cold java and chasing the liquid down the side of the cup as I can't drink properly. 

Yesterday, I had a bit more energy. I cleaned. Had to. This place was begging me to. It was sick of itself. 

After cleaning, I was exhausted and spent the night on the couch with Brad. 

Today - exhaustion all around. I managed to throw laundry in. FYI: Brad helps with everything. (He is such an equal.)

I wish I felt better.  Instead, I'm trying to keep a brave face. I'm trying to not let my recent problems of late send me on a path of continuous fear. I hate being afraid. This feeling is so unknown. 

Pre-transplant I felt so strong and tough. I  knew I'd get my new chunkers and live a great life. I'd kick the old ones in the junk and be the victor. CF wasn't foreign; I lived with it my whole life (and still do). It didn't scare me. I liked to think that I scared IT.  

I knew what to expect. I had craptastical lungs. I couldn't breathe. I had no energy.  I was dying. 

But there was an end. There was light. There was a new life. Free from daily struggles to breathe. Free from a wheelchair. Free from no energy. 

Then I had the surgery. It hurt like hell to recover - and took longer than I had anticipated - but I was finally healthy. No longer "the sick girl".  

I spent my first year post in such good health. Could do anything. Felt amazing. 

Now? I don't even know what to say. 

No, I'm not in rejection. 

Thank God. 

But I've held onto this grossness for too long. And things are scary now. Thoughts swirl around my head. Wonder about the future. Will I be one of the lucky ones and live with minimal problems? 

Or, will I be plagued from now on with one thing after another? Will things just gradually go downhill? 

What is happening to me? Why am I thinking this way? This is not me. I'm the positive one. The one who isn't afraid. Who laughs at disease and sickness. 

Where'd that girl go? 

Please, help me find her. 


  1. That girl is still here and she experienced Trauma and that changes you!

    Check this out: Ten Things I've Learned About Trauma

    Even the Squeegie must allow herself a break once in awhile - I know, ya didn't wanna hear that...
    Love you, know you're a fighter, its' snowing here, looks real pretty...Deer!

  2. I haven't met you, but I know you are a tough chick. I feel safe to say that just from reading your blogs. I'm sorry things have been not-so-awesome for you. I can only imagine getting through a Canadian winter while not feeling well! (I don't even like the Dallas cold!) I think your awesome attitude will prevail. That is a theme I have noticed throughout your posts, and you have been through a lot. Give it some time and give yourself some TLC. (cleaning? for the birds!)

  3. You don't know me, I have contacted you a few times but we have never really had full conversations or met. I know a lot about CF and I know it isn't easy - I don't have it, my fiancé does. I also know a lot about being strong, I know that you can only be strong for so long - then you need a break. This is your break, now when your break is over you will pick yourself up by your g-tube and kick CF's butt! Hang in there Squeegie.