Why? I'm trying to answer that in my head. I guess there are a number of reasons (excuses) I could throw out. I've been busy, I'm back to work, life is hectic...
but if I'm being honest, it's really because I've been healthy. So healthy.
As I mentioned, I'm back to work. So, that level of healthy.
I'm able to live like the rest of you. I get up (early as heck) get ready, walk the dogs (boy is that killer dog ever growing - a whole 12 lbs now) and go to work. I'm back full time (skipped the gradual return - like a champ. We've discussed my amazing muscles and strength in the past.
I'm slowly getting used to the blast of the always admired alarm clock. I'm getting used to expelling brain power every day.
I feel productive again. Useful. Like I have a purpose.
I missed that.
For years I struggled with the angst of not working. I beat myself up time and time again. I had many pep talks from friends and family over why it was important for me to be off and how working would only speed up my declining health.
I dreamed of the day when I would return and feel "normal" again.
As I walk to get coffee on my lunch I almost pinch myself. Because it means more than me being back to work.
It means I'm healthy.
It means I have new chunkers.
It means I'm alive.
If I ever find myself worrying about the small stuff; I turn over my medic alert bracelet and read the inscription:
"Totally screwed/new parts/many scars"
Or, in reality:
And I'm reminded of what I've been through, what I've faced, what I've laughed at and how miraculous it is that I'm here.
Thank you donor. I love you.
Unfortunately, I hear too often of lung friends who are having complications. Too many get sick, their bodies trying to push the new lungs out and they are left fighting for their lives once again. Thankfully, a second transplant is usually an option.
See how important donation is?
It's hard not to be afraid. To not think of the what if's?
But you force yourself to keep things in perspective. To not let that fear take you down a dark road. To keep positive and view yourself 20 years from now - still kicking.
We can't control what happens. Often there's no explanation as to why the lungs are rejected.
So, I continue to appreciate my donor, my new chunkers and every single minute I have with them.
I am grateful for life. I am extremely lucky.
I didn't post for so long because I didn't feel like I had anything important to say.
What I forgot is how good this feels; how therapeutic this feels. How sharing my story may make a difference somehow.
Maybe if people see how well I'm doing with my new chunkers...just maybe they will consider organ donation. God knows it's needed.
More than you realize.