Sunday, 3 March 2013


Remind me to never drink coffee after 7 pm again for the rest of my life. I'll stick with vodka.

Clearly that was a joke. It's 2am. I'm allowed to say that.

Pre-transplant I could down 4 cups and then sleep like an infant that actually sleeps throughout the night (seriously where did the expression "sleep like a baby" come from? We all know they are up every 5 seconds, while the parents are mistaken for the cast of the walking dead ).

It's so weird to lay here in the dark, knowing that everyone else (with the exception of shift workers and fun party people) are in lalafreakingland while you desperately think of every possible thing to put yourself to sleep.

These new drugs are wacky. They mess with you.

In many ways.

Not being able to sleep also makes me think of all the things I should be doing with my new chunkers. I should be pushing myself more. Hitting the gym more.

Appreciating the small stuff more.

I'm always scared that I'll start taking this new life for granted. I never want to do that. I always want to remember why I'm still here and how lucky I am to still be here.

How do I honour my donor?

Perhaps I start by looking at my scar every day and remembering that a stranger gave me a new life.

I'm walking around because of someone else. I'm laughing, crying, singing, playing with the G-man, missing my friends and family and soon going home to them - all because of a stranger.

Or, even more convienent, glance down at the hawt medic alert bracelet that adorns my right wrist. Turn it over, read the chapter book on the back, and let it wash over me what actually happened 2.5 months ago.

For that matter, realize that because of a stranger I'm laying here at 2am unable to sleep, but able to spew my thoughts to whomever finds them interesting, or at least entertaining

Thank you stranger.

I should likely give you a name.


  1. Dear Jess, Iknow you have and always will honor your donor by just being you. Love A&F Aunt Heather xo xo

  2. Jess,
    just knowing you for 10 months here in TO , i know you will never forget the donor family for giving you a new life. i also can't see that you would take anything for granted, that's not you.
    welcome to my world with coffee late at night. have not had real coffee after 3:30 p.m now for years but oh yes vodka is good. how did you know i was having one last night?

    1. I was spying through your window. Cause I can climb buildings like spiderman. I'm cool like that.

  3. Best way to honor that hero? LIVE. Do what makes you happy to live. Don't run a marathon because you feel you need to, do it because you want to. Go out dancing till 4 am because you want to. Sit on the sofa all day long and watch TV because you want to. It doesn't matter what you do, it matters that you are happy while doing it. :)

    1. Amy, after reading this comment I felt a completely different. You just made a huge different in my state of mind and I don't know how to fully explain it.
      Thank you. I will live and remember that even just living is ok.

  4. Make it a beautiful name - make it a name of someone who is heroic to you - someone you loved, or someone you knew you'd love if you'd ever hugged them - someone for whom the thought of just makes you warm... Maybe a CF friend who was your hero. I had a friend named Lizzy who I think about often, who makes my heart warm...

    This is a beautiful post, Squeeg... And yes - now and then you'll take the small stuff for granted eventually - but I really believe that you'll think about this gift often, throughout the day, every day, for the rest of your life. For me, it will be 13 years on April 8th. I am starting to forget the struggle - I thought I never would, but I am. And sometimes I thought that I need to remember the struggle in order to appreciate the gift. I've found that's not true - I think about Kari and I think about the gift she gave me throughout every day, every single day... You'll never forget either. I promise.

    And caffeine does and will fuck you up. And you'll still drink it. I do... Sometimes it just seems like a timing issue, or a prednisone mixing issue. It drives my princess nuts that I can go have a four-shot cappucino, and 15 minutes later take a 2-hour nap and not even wake up when the cat jumps on my head. Yet, other times, I'll have coffee after 2pm and stay awake all night, like you're describing.

    Don't fret that you should be doing more - you're still recovering - you haven't gotten into your stride yet!!! And sometimes the ability to do nothing is freaking awesome - savor laying on the sofa. Remember, most of our lives we could not lay about, doing nothing, without consequence... Every so often, we had to get up and pound on our chests - wear our vest - clear our lungs. When we did not, we would pay for that over the next few days or weeks. We don't have to be concerned about that now! I'm not saying that you should be a lay-about on a consistent/continuous basis!!! I am saying that, from time to time we can honor the person who saved our life by laying-about-and-not-doing-a-damn-thing. Because now we can. Without the same consquences.

    You take care - I'm proud of you... Love, Steve

    1. Steve you rock, as usual. So motivating and lovable.

  5. Awesome blog, I write one too about my Medical adventures with C.F and my Transplant.

    I didn't think of doing a day to day one as I think my days are boring as all hell.