Tuesday, 27 November 2012

Set Straight

I had a great convo with my doctor and I feel like I can see clearly now. I guess you could say she set me straight. 

I struggle with a lot of guilty feelings...along with a stubborn streak, I suppose. I've been lectured about this many times, but I guess we can't help but feel/be certain things/ways. It takes a lot of concentration and a bit of butt kicking to get me to listen. That, or a serious discussion about life, death and a certain future surgery.

Congrats doc.

Remember this guy?
I am known for "letting things go" when I'm not feeling good. For "toughing it out" and "waiting to see if it improves" before seeking medical attention.

Perhaps I would be this way with a broken leg? Who knows? Although, I doubt anyone would put up with my incessant whining, moaning and banshee-like screeching to see how that would play out.

I was sick for only a few days before I realized it was actually an infection and not just me being worn out. However, as soon as I realized what was happening I hopped on the phone and dialed the CF clinic.

I was put on meds. End of story.

Except it wasn't.

Nope, it was more of a chapter book.

I was put on oral antibiotics and sat back waiting for them to do their thang. After a few days they weren't exactly solving all of the world's problems, but the weekend had hit, and I knew there wasn't anyone in clinic to get in touch with. So, of course, I waited.

As we all know, I was thrown in the slammer Tuesday and attached to the pole (and not the kind you dance around).  

Sad, cause this would've been more fun

It took only a few days to feel relief and I can now happily sit here and breathe...without looking like I just finished running a 10k, while carrying my entire family on my back.

Back to my guilt:

I would kind of feel like the boy who cried wolf if I ran to the docs every time I felt crusty. I like to give it a few days to see if it's just a bad couple of days, or if it's truly something I need help with.

I also feel like I could potentially be hogging a hospital bed, when someone else who's more sick would need it.

Is that messed up???

Well the good doc explained to me that, you know, I'm waiting for NEW LUNGS and that's pretty important. I just might want to be in optimal health when the call comes...you know, to help the surgery go as smoothly as possible, so I can recover quickly and be back to annoying everyone around me again.
An example of a competent doctor

She explained how crucial it is for me to act when I'm feeling an infection.

Their job is to ensure I'm the healthiest I can be to face transplant surgery and I need to help them do that. I'm not to worry about someone else needing a hospital bed - that's also their job. 

So, I'm sorry to all those I've annoyed or worried with my stubbornness. You will see a new me. I just needed to hear it in a different way - from someone wearing a lab coat

I'm invested in this. I will fight like hell to see this through and bust out on the other side.

Then you will see stubborn...


  1. I want to hug that Doc who set you straight, about time the light bulb came on Jessica. You should have recorded the conversation so that everytime you put off seeking help you could listen to it. Your job right now is to get that body in the best shape it can be for those new blowers. Love you, Linda D.

    1. Hear, hear! Well said Linda, I couldn't agree more.
      Jess' job - stay healthy and create a good feng shui for those new blowers
      Doc's job - keep Jess healthy and ready to rock that transplant
      Jess's job - call clinic immediately should you feel any difference in your health
      Doc's job - get Jess health, pronto

      Our job - gently remind Jess of this blog by sending her a link to this post, and I'm printing a copy for her to carry in her pocket!
      Hugs Chicklet

    2. I know Linda, I was put in my place. Just took a lab coat.

      Leave it to you Pamela!!!

  2. I am the same way....Only with me I have a little bit of leeway since ya know I am not waiting quite yet. But I totally know how ya feel (well maybe almost lol) about feeling guilty etc. I wish you luck on your "new you" mind set and hope it works!!!!! Sometimes we need that lab coated doc to set us straight. When I was 23 I was like f the world and landed in the hospital. My doctor told me that at that point I was sick enough to need a lung transplant, if I continued to stay at that level. I wasn't eating, I wasn't doing treatments, I was at my lowest. Obviously I got through it but my family and friends telling me to get help did nothing, it took the doctor to do it. <3 <3 <3

    1. Oh, there's so much more to that conversation. I will message you another tid bit.

  3. Hey You…

    So often when I read you, I see me… So many of the games you play, with yourself and others – are the same games I play…

    I’d let things go too – sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference between a speed-bump and a small-rise-before-a-cliff… And I HATED getting everyone exercised over a speed-bump. And unless it was coming off your body at some wrong angle, you’d probably be the same about a broken leg… I wandered around for a day cradling my wrist after an ice skating fall wondering why this “bruise” was hurting more, and finally told my princess that I thought I might want to get it checked out. It was broken…

    And no, I don’t think it’s “messed up” to worry about crying wolf, or occupying space that should go to someone you deem sicker than you. It’s probably a mixture of compassion for others (including your docs) and denial over your own condition…

    But – your doc is right… It’s go-time. All of the times in the past when we avoided crying wolf – when we waited until we KNEW we were having a problem – when we didn’t “unnecessarily” get everyone’s undies in a bunch – when we didn’t waste hospital resources… Over the years we got points for doing that (if only in our own minds…) This is what we were saving those points for… Now is the time when you get to cash them in… And you can do it without guilt because of the way you’ve acted in the past…

    And yes – that is a warped way of thinking – but it’s our way and we own it… You cannot get the call, walk in, and be told that they cannot do this right now because they didn’t know you were harboring some bug – or that they don’t know the extent of what you’re dealing with – and send you home… Right now you have the right, the requirement (and the points) to monitor yourself closely and raise your hand when something doesn’t feel right… And sometimes you WILL be crying wolf – but oddly enough, your team might respect that because they’ll know they know there will not be surprises when they call you…

    Plus that whole “optimal health” thing.

    I’m glad you’re on the upswing. I’m looking forward to when “stubborn” is about you gutting out the last mile of a half-marathon… I’m thinking ‘boutcha…

    Love, Steve

    1. It's so great having people like you and Amy who understand how I'm feeling. You always make me feel better and remind me that I'm not alone in my feelings.
      The biggest scare for me was the possibility of not getting the lungs because I have a bug that's not been looked at.

      Thanks again, for reminding me that I'm not alone in this and that you've been right where I am...and look at you now!!!

  4. I'm lovin how you think Steve!
    Big Hugs