Wednesday, 24 October 2012

Lung Transplants For Dummies

Recently, I visited a Dollarama. While strolling the aisles a light bulb went off. It struck me that all the tools needed for a bilateral lung transplant were right there at the tips of my fingers. This whole time they've been sitting right there, ready for action. 

It then hit me that anyone could perform this operation - with the right tools. And, as I am a carrier of two crusty blowers, who better to create the "Lung Transplants For Dummies" manual, than me?

I dedicate this manual to my squat buddies.

Of utmost importance, before you even think of commencing surgery, you need to down a few of these (my recommendation is 15):

To perform the operation, it's best to have one of these intact:

It is very important that the new windbags be in amazing shape. Use this to ensure they are squeaky clean:

To prep the OR, it's best to set the mood. You want to go in with positive thoughts and crossed fingers (avoid crossing your eyeballs, as you may need them to operate):

You will also require signage to make it abundantly clear that there is a delicate procedure in the works:

As the surgery is trés complicated, you will likely get wrapped up in your performance. To avoid missing that nights episode of "Big Bang Theory", you will need to have a timing device:

As we do not want the patient moving during surgery, we need to keep them immobile:

You should also employ these as an added precaution:

If the patient wakes up in the middle of the action, simply swat at them until they sink under once again:

Hygiene is critical; you will need to don a mask. Here are three of my favorites:

 You will also need to slap on some gloves, pink or purple will suffice:

To open the chest cavity you will need one of the following (it's a personal choice):

Once the body is open, you need to double check the measurements to ensure the proper fit:

 At this point it's best to check the temperature of the body:

Remember, it will be dark in there. You will need to break this to have some good lighting:

 This would be appropriate for the smaller incisions:

At this juncture you may want to invoke these:

For the real hard stuff, utilize these:

If things are getting a bit out of hand, haul these out for some control:

Take the new blowers out of storage:

Be sure to inspect the contents of the container as to avoid transplanting the wrong things, ie:

 Pay attention to this to ensure the organs are placed in the proper locale:

And to avoid any misunderstandings:

Once they are in place, generously apply the following:

Close up and swiftly apply an abundance of both of these products on the body:

It's best to provide the new blowers with a warm welcome. Let them know they are now:

It's imperative to hire a professional for the patient post-transplant care:

Congratulations! You are now a professional transplant surgeon.

Copyright © 2012 by Jessica Carver
Squeegee25 Publishing
Toronto, ON

Editor's note: Thanks to Pamela, Bonnie & Hilda for the assistance in the production shoot.

Editor's note #2: Please don't take offense to this. Keep in mind it is a joke. Laughter is the best medicine and I will continue to have mountains of fun in my life.

Editor's note #3: For a copy of the manual, simply send a tall hazelnut blonde and a 9 X 9 pan of apple crisp. Also, butterscotch ice cream.


  1. AWESOME... who knew that the dollar store had everything you need for a successful transplant! You forgot to film the tiara, for post transplant. They have a great selection ;)

    1. Craig - so sorry you missed our adventure! It was a great time and a bit of a hair raising experience - just your kind of event! Meetings, time just phone in that you're performing surgery and will be arriving tomorrow!
      Watch for the next manual "Living with Transplant for Dummies" - the tiaras may just make an appearance there!

      PS - thanks for looking after Jess' locks - they are a bit high maintenance :o)

    2. Darn, I missed the tiara! Good thing I already own one!

  2. do you think we could do this for $50.00 or under? can we submit the bill to OHIP for coverage?

    1. Sure, OHIP would definitely accept a claim like this.

  3. Sissy,
    Now that I understand how to do this to you and what tools to use I'm thinking we can set the date for November 1st. I choose the 1st because it will allow me one good nights rest before action starts!! I have a sweet nurse costume from halloween a couple years ago and was looking for a chance to wear it again...who says you can only wear a costume once!! Looking forward to replacing them dare lungs for ya's (spoken like a true NewGermanian)

    Lots of love
    Lil Sis ♥

    1. November 1st it is! Can't wait; only a few days!!!

  4. This is just freaking awesome. I love it!! Your so creative Jess, if only everyone had even 1/4 of the sense of humor you have imagine what the world would be like lol

    1. If everyone had a mind like mine this world would be SCARY.

  5. Hi Jessica,
    Janet and Chloe pug commenting in, this post is hilarious but Craig is right forgetting the tiara is a bit of a faux pas but when you're writing, producing, directing plus doing all the camera work you just can't remember everything. But still I'm a little shocked Hilda didn't remember either but maybe she thought it was a given. And as per how you spent your weekend - better lungs next time (I know, if only you had a nickel for everytime some smartass said that). To that end, my co-worker Mariel ducks out of work 3 noon hours a week to go to mass so I've ask her to put in a word for you so really, the trial run was Mariel's fault - just so you know. But it made me think of that NY Med show this summer when the transplant patient also had a trial run before his transplant, he went as far to get sedated. Sending healthy lung energy your way - you're awesome (with or without your red kicks) and you're a great writer too!

    1. Thanks Janet & Chloe! You guys are pretty awesome too :)

  6. Good Lord, I freakin' LOVE butterscotch!!!

    And who knew that you can procure everthing except the lungs at a Dollerama!!! I LOVE this manual -- I think I need to make sure a couple of surgeons I know get this...

    EPIC post, Jess, Pamela, Bonnie & Hilda!!! The only thing that would be epic-er is when your anesthesiologist shows up in your OR with a fly-swatter next time you are called!!!

    Love, Steve

    1. Feel free to pass it along. Just make sure they send me the apple crisp and the tall blonde.

  7. I'm loving the feedback. JPBH is only a newly formed alliance - where have we been all your lives? you may ask!
    Like all good things in life, we are taking these manuals one step at a time...
    JOHAFT Productions is currently engaged in research so watch for volumes 2 & 3
    (Just Out Having A Fun Time)
    Jess said it best..."Best time I've ever had in a Dollar Store"
    Hugs Chicklet!

    1. We have waaaaay too much fun to look forward to...

  8. Jess, you crack me up. Who knew the Dollar store!
    Nina B.

  9. Dr. Nick: "Hi, everybody!"
    Crowd: "Hi, Dr. Nick!"
    Dr. Nick: "If something should go wrong, let's not get the law involved!"

  10. Loved this! You sure do have a great sense of humor! Keep it up.

  11. My gawd you are effing awesome!

  12. We. Must. Meet. You are flipping hilarious! I'll make sure you are pointed out to me next time I'm the physio room. Your blog is Awesome!


    1. I have been known to cause a ruckus in the treadmill room...

  13. The Surrogate Jessica25 October 2012 at 21:45

    omg this was hilarious!! I seriously couldn't stop laughing.

    1. Just as long as you don't laugh while carrying out the operation!

  14. Love it so much. Also.... how did you get a picture of Sadie in a nurse costume?? Twin dog!! :)

    1. They are twins, eh? It's a friend's dog. His name is Teddy. And now he's famous.

  15. You are my hero (funny one) Thanks for sharing my lung friend

  16. he went as far to get sedated. Delivering healthier bronchi power your way - you're amazing (with or without your red kicks) and you're an excellent author too! FF14 Gold
    Final Fantasy XIV A Realm Reborn - Headstart DLC