It then hit me that anyone could perform this operation - with the right tools. And, as I am a carrier of two crusty blowers, who better to create the "Lung Transplants For Dummies" manual, than me?
I dedicate this manual to my squat buddies.
Of utmost importance, before you even think of commencing surgery, you need to down a few of these (my recommendation is 15):
To perform the operation, it's best to have one of these intact:
It is very important that the new windbags be in amazing shape. Use this to ensure they are squeaky clean:
To prep the OR, it's best to set the mood. You want to go in with positive thoughts and crossed fingers (avoid crossing your eyeballs, as you may need them to operate):
You will also require signage to make it abundantly clear that there is a delicate procedure in the works:
As the surgery is trés complicated, you will likely get wrapped up in your performance. To avoid missing that nights episode of "Big Bang Theory", you will need to have a timing device:
As we do not want the patient moving during surgery, we need to keep them immobile:
You should also employ these as an added precaution:
If the patient wakes up in the middle of the action, simply swat at them until they sink under once again:
Hygiene is critical; you will need to don a mask. Here are three of my favorites:
You will also need to slap on some gloves, pink or purple will suffice:
To open the chest cavity you will need one of the following (it's a personal choice):
Once the body is open, you need to double check the measurements to ensure the proper fit:
At this point it's best to check the temperature of the body:
Remember, it will be dark in there. You will need to break this to have some good lighting:
This would be appropriate for the smaller incisions:
At this juncture you may want to invoke these:
For the real hard stuff, utilize these:
If things are getting a bit out of hand, haul these out for some control:
Take the new blowers out of storage:
Be sure to inspect the contents of the container as to avoid transplanting the wrong things, ie:
Pay attention to this to ensure the organs are placed in the proper locale:
And to avoid any misunderstandings:
Once they are in place, generously apply the following:
Close up and swiftly apply an abundance of both of these products on the body:
It's best to provide the new blowers with a warm welcome. Let them know they are now:
It's imperative to hire a professional for the patient post-transplant care:
Congratulations! You are now a professional transplant surgeon.
Copyright © 2012 by Jessica Carver
Editor's note: Thanks to Pamela, Bonnie & Hilda for the assistance in the production shoot.
Editor's note #2: Please don't take offense to this. Keep in mind it is a joke. Laughter is the best medicine and I will continue to have mountains of fun in my life.
Editor's note #3: For a copy of the manual, simply send a tall hazelnut blonde and a 9 X 9 pan of apple crisp. Also, butterscotch ice cream.